Your favourite Joke(s)

Feel free to post your jokes here, just make sure their funny!

Heres one of my faves:

Q.What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?

A: A brunette with fishy breath!

I have loads more tastefull jokes to post!

Ok Dont like Blonde jokes? How about this one then...

The crocodile walked into a menswear shop.

"Got any shirts with faggots on the pocket?" He asked

"Drinking makes you look beautiful darling!"

'But I havent been drinking!'

"No but I have!"

Whats the difference between an australian wedding and an australian funeral?

One less drunk at the funeral!

Thats some funny shit there mr ADX666.

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."



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On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"



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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.



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RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!



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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.



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Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you're flying the plane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.

The above are some air line jokes I like that i found on the internet many years ago.

I have a book cause I am lousy at remembering jokes. It is a pearler I got for Xmas 1997 from my outlaws entitled 'Rude and Politically Incorrect Jokes, stories to embarass your mother'

First Drunk "I didnt have sex with my wife before marriage, did you?"

Second Drunk "Dunno, what was her maiden name?"


Why do farts smell so bad?

So blind people can enjoy them to!

TP2200 just wet her pants after reading those jokes. Bloody awsome..

Whats the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The Rooster clucks defiant and the lawyer fucks the client

'Have you anything to say for yourself?' asked the Judge after hearing the case.

"Fuckall" muturred the defendant.

'What did he say?" Asked the judge, who was a bit hard of hearing.

The clerk whispered into the judges ear "He said fuckall, your worship"

"Thats funny" said the judge, " I was sure I saw his lips move"

Princess Diana gave birth and they fired off a 21 gun salute.

Sister Mary at the local convent gave birth and they fired a dirty old canon....

O'Brien was dying

"Sister", he said, "Call the vicar"

'Dont you want a priest?'

"No, I want to become a protestant, better one of those bastards die instead of a good catholic"

Computers go back to the garden of eden, Eve had an apple and Adam had a wang

Eve was the first carpenter, she made Adams banana stand.

Whats the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!

Women are the only ones to blame for all the lies men tell.

They ask too many questions!

Why is the Mexican Olympic team so bad?

Cause anyone that can run, jump or swim is in the USA now!

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple of days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the fcuk are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

These from the ATDB

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many
people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!!"
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3
hours of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on then"
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spread-eagled & says "You know what I want don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"
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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison Service for not
servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion
it was a death trap!
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Paddy's pick up lines:
1. Did ya fart? ......'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded?...... 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea..... I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers?....Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner.... Evertime I think of you
my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is
only a light switch away!
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on
Arbroath Beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head
to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they
like it!
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile phones!"
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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says
"Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "Whats his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London !"
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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick
fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the
s**t out of you if I could swim!"
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Paddy & Mick are working on a building site. Paddy says to Mick
"I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Mick watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Mick starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Mick.